THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO AD&D SEX

Aight, so I’m researching sex spells because RPGs and there’s a ring called Lust and all that jazz, and what should find its way on my google search but some serious misogynistic shit? And I’m like whoa, I never thought nerds were this bad, but hold on, maybe I’m reading too much into it, and then I see this:

The Bitch Rule

The Bitch Rule is an option that makes a female PC or NPC very moody. DMs may make this a requirement for all females. Other alternatives are making it an insanity, disease, or curse. The Bitch Rule works best for chaotic characters because they seem to have what it takes to work.

The following are the steps to develop a moody female:

• The female character must roll 1d6 every eight waking hours for an attitude.
• The female may reroll if a situation has been unusually stressful (i.e. after melee, during an argument, etc.).
• Any person who comes in contact with the female (ex. other player characters) may request a reroll once per day. Only one reroll may happen each day. The reroll represents people who influence the female thereby changing her moods (for better or for worse).
• For a roll of 6 on the table, roll 1d6 again. A 1 indicates an obsessive behavior. Thus, she becomes obsessive about whatever the party is doing at the moment to the point of not letting anyone or thing in her way of trying to accomplish her goal.

TABLE: Moods & Attitudes

1. happy, cheerful, optimistic, helpful, friendly
2. self-pity, unhelpful, brooding, pessimistic
3. pissed off, vengeful, cruel
4. playful, energetic, daring, foolhardy, practical joker
5. vain, proud, lazy, bored, omnipotent feeling
6. restless, impatient, takes control, urge to get on with things, roll 1d6 for obsession check

Needless to say, running a character with all of these different attributes which change all of the time tests the player’s ability to roll [sic] play to a maximum.

Girls, ya’ll only have 6 different kinds of mood. That’s right, you have been reduced to 6 lines. I especially like the power other players have over the female PC, by requesting a re-roll on the table. That’s right, you’re not even in control of your own emotions, other people are!

But let’s not stop there, let’s go through this entire thing because it seems like a fun thing to do and I totally don’t have other things I really should be doing anyway…

Seduction: More than reaction rolls

This is a simple yet effective way to handle a seduction. It is far more fun than making endless reaction checks and it certainly keeps players on their feet.
The following are the steps for seducing:

When the character first comes in contact with someone he/she wants to seduce, a normal reaction roll is made (see DM’s Guide page 103).

If the reaction of the victim is friendly, then a seduction may take place.

The preliminary moves are made (i.e. role playing) and attribute checks are made.

The seducer makes a Charisma check with modifiers from Table 1. Thevictim makes an Intelligence check (to see if he/she is dumb enough to fall for it) with modifiers from Table 1. If the seducer beats the victim’s roll by 4 or more, he/she is doing well and may continue.

The DM decides how many more checks should be made with suitable pluses or minuses to the attribute rolls (take into account how well the player is role playing). Usually no more than three more successful checks are necessary. Failed checks mean that the victim of the seduction lost interest, but the seducer can try again with the Charisma check halved (its not easy to get back up on that horse after being shot down).

TABLE 1: Attribute Modifiers

Moves Made | Seducer | Victim
Drunkenly | -2 | +2
Sleazy/Raunchy | -1 | +1
Aggressive | +1 | -1
Gentleman/Lady | +2 | -2

So if the “seducer” is a Nice Guy, he/she (let’s be honest here, this was written by guys) gets +2 on his test to see if he succeeds in fooling the victim (their words!) or not. Likewise, it’s easier if your victim is drunk, and you should be aggressive (but still Nice Guy) in your approach.

This is some fedora-wearing shit, I tell you.

There are also sections for “non-weapon proficiencies”, which include stuff like massage, contortion and “sexual endurance” like whoa, how old are you guys, 8? Then something about sexual diseases, which isn’t that interesting (note that the random tables for sexual diseases do not cover prostitutes, for reasons I’ll cover later). Oh, also, poor people are more sexually diseased, and elderly people don’t have sex. They also cover some common STDs, and then move on to Magical Sexual Diseases, and let’s just go through that real quick?

Table 3: Magical Diseases

1. Acidic Secretion
2. Bitchy Magical Syndrome (B.M.S.)
3. Fiery Secretion
4. Mummy Crotch Rot
5. Orgasmatic Flight
6. Orgasmatic Monster Summoning
7. Orgasmatic Polymorph
8. Poison Secretion
9. Sexual Audible Glamer
10. Sexual Chill Touch
11. Sexual Clairvoyance
12. Sexual Invisibility
13. Sexually Transmitted Lycanthrope
14. REROLL

Most of these are self-explanatory. Number 2 (heehee) only affects females (because guys are deep, multi-faceted creatures with more than 6 moods). “Orgasmatic Flight” makes your character into a bouncing ball after reaching orgasm, bouncing off walls and shit like that. 

The next section is insanity, and our lovely Bitchy-themed shit is still going strong, in the aptly named “Bitchamania” (I swear I’m not making this shit up you guys). Guess what? Only affects females.

Next we get to Spells. What can these masters come up with, I wonder?

Delay Orgasm

Oh ffs, I thought ya’ll had some

Know Sexual Preference

actual imagination, but you’re just

Change Sexual Preference

whoa, hold on now. I know it’s magic, but don’t you feel this is just a tiny bit on the strong side?

Power Word: Rut

Whoa, what the fuck I better read this

When this spell is cast, the recipient gains a condition of sexual excitement and productive activity. This reflects in the recipient as a gain a +2 modifier for every three levels of the mage to dexterity with respect to having sex. Thus, this spell won’t effect any other aspects of dexterity; only sex. Also due to his hyper state, the recipient gains a +1 to hit. Furthermore, two points of Intelligence and one point of wisdom is lost; and one point of charisma is gained. These bonuses end when the spell ends.

Only affects males. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I like the touch of dexterity affecting how good you are in bed, because everyone knows that elves are just inherently better at sex than humans.

Voyeur

A spell that lets the mage see through clothing to “examine sexual organs.” Alright.

Kiss of Slavery

A charm person spell in the form of a kiss. I can accept tha

The victim of this spell will obey any order unquestioningly.

This is some rape shit, isn’t it? You guys don’t actually care if the person is willing to have sex with you, do you?

Sex Change

Oh, I’m sure this isn’t going to be horrible at all

The DM must make sure the victim of the spell acts in the manner appropriate to the sex. If not, then the spell doesn’t really seem powerful.

Yup. No binary gender bullshit here.

Kiss of the Nereid

Maybe a bit overpowered, but a kiss that drowns the victim I’ll actually accept (you do get a save).

Magic Items Your Mom Wouldn’t Approve Of

Oh please no

Underwear Of Virginity 

Does it automatically restore someone’s virginity? These guys do know that 

This underwear is very popular among protective fathers. When worn, the underwear cannot be removed without the command word (usually the father’s middle name said backwards). The underwear is normal in respects to touch, but it is impossible to rip or tear. The underwear also magically disposes of body waste before it leaves the body, so there is no mess and absolutely no reason to remove it.

Yeah, because heavens forbid you’d want to take a bath. Eww, that’s just a gross, gross item.

Sword Of Castration

There’s no way this can be bad

This weapon has a +2 bonus to hit and damage. The real power of the sword is when the attacker rolls a non-adjusted 20 on the attack roll. When this occurs, the victim (if male, ignore if female) will lose his most treasured body part. Legend has it that this sword was created by evil (and bitter) Amazon Warriors.

Curse those amazing women. Sounds like you guys could go under the knife, as it were, because I’m not sure I want you to run around with your “most treasured body part” intact.

Personally I value almost every other body part more than I value my dick, but maybe that’s just me.

Wand of Vibration

I’m not even reading this.

Oh look, an entire section on prostitutes. Some short notes, because no way in hell am I commenting on every line of stupidity there:

The major measurement of a man is 1d8+4 inches.

All men are between 5 and 13 inches tall.

Charisma directly correlates to bust, hip and waist sizes, with higher charisma equalling a bigger bust, and slimmer waist. Also, if you have really low charisma, you get really wide hips too.

There is much more, like “inclination” ("does she like Anal Sex, Larry, does she!?"), whether they have STDs or not, etc etc. It’s not very uplifting.

The End

Oh look, a list of contributors.

No female names

Well that came as a complete surprise to nobody.

You can find the guide, if you really want to wade through it on your own, here. Since it’s a .edu address, I think we must unfortunately assume that these guys are not, in fact, 8 years old.

(This was originally posted by me elsewhere, which is why the formatting might be a bit wonky. Tough luck.)