You've got mail!

My latest Lulu order finally arrived, 21 days after it was dispatched. Now granted, there has been a good amount of holidays between then and now, but 21 days? I guess it takes that long for a package to go from France to Sweden. UK to Sweden takes about 7 days with their regular mail, and Denmark to Sweden takes what, 3 days? Maybe there was a strike? It wouldn't surprise me, last time I was there they had three strikes in two weeks. No, wait, four.

This post is not about unionizing your dungeon inhabitants, however (although a friend did manage to do just that with a tribe of goblins working for a dragon, but that's another story). The books that arrived were Dyson's Delves, 1 & 2. My current review list:

1. Forgive Us
2. Qelong
3. Scenic Dunnsmouth
4. Isle of the Unknown
5. Carcosa
6. Fuck for Satan (maybe)
7. Dyson's Delves I
8. Dyson's Delves II

With maybe some other stuff in between. It depends. Stay tuned, updates come whenever I remember I have a blog.

Sandbox and RL play update

I'm almost finished unpacking and all that jazz after having moved. Yes, I do procrastinate a lot, which is why I'm still doing this stuff three months after having moved.

Picked up a good number of books on GothCon, all of them LotFP-issued. This was planned. I'll be writing reviews of them later, although they've already been reviewed pretty much everywhere else. Still, my opinion is important.

My sandbox world is taking shape, as you can see. Sure, it looks pretty boring right now, but it's just an overview. I've already hexed it up and started adding stuff to the hexes, but for fear of spoilers I can't write about it here. Keep in mind that distances aren't to scale here (because why would I do something like that). Eh. It works, I guess.

The reason why I'm doing something like this is that when I play online I can't expect the same group all the time, because we're all adults with lives outside RPGs (silly as it sounds), so I can't do any massive campaigns or story arcs. Instead I have a sandbox where people can go wherever they want, and group composition/membership doesn't matter. I think it can work, I just gotta map it out somewhat. Still, 7 hexes down, only ~44 to go.

All Flesh Must Be Eaten, Gender showdown

Just went through All Flesh Must Be Eaten, because I was unpacking RPG books. It's not a very good rules system, but for ideas the book is alright.

And I know that how you represent isn't necessarily how you identify, but for illustrations we can't go by anything other than how the characters are presented. In addition, the game is so old that the gender discussion hadn't really penetrated into RPG circles.

28 males, 8 females. That's a 3:1 ratio, amusingly enough. 9 characters are difficult to see what sex they're supposed to represent, so we'll leave those as Unknown (although I'd guess male for most of them). Most of the illustrations were of zombies, which I didn't feel the need nor inclination to count. But there are a lot of zombies in that book.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO AD&D SEX

Aight, so I’m researching sex spells because RPGs and there’s a ring called Lust and all that jazz, and what should find its way on my google search but some serious misogynistic shit? And I’m like whoa, I never thought nerds were this bad, but hold on, maybe I’m reading too much into it, and then I see this:

The Bitch Rule

The Bitch Rule is an option that makes a female PC or NPC very moody. DMs may make this a requirement for all females. Other alternatives are making it an insanity, disease, or curse. The Bitch Rule works best for chaotic characters because they seem to have what it takes to work.

The following are the steps to develop a moody female:

• The female character must roll 1d6 every eight waking hours for an attitude.
• The female may reroll if a situation has been unusually stressful (i.e. after melee, during an argument, etc.).
• Any person who comes in contact with the female (ex. other player characters) may request a reroll once per day. Only one reroll may happen each day. The reroll represents people who influence the female thereby changing her moods (for better or for worse).
• For a roll of 6 on the table, roll 1d6 again. A 1 indicates an obsessive behavior. Thus, she becomes obsessive about whatever the party is doing at the moment to the point of not letting anyone or thing in her way of trying to accomplish her goal.

TABLE: Moods & Attitudes

1. happy, cheerful, optimistic, helpful, friendly
2. self-pity, unhelpful, brooding, pessimistic
3. pissed off, vengeful, cruel
4. playful, energetic, daring, foolhardy, practical joker
5. vain, proud, lazy, bored, omnipotent feeling
6. restless, impatient, takes control, urge to get on with things, roll 1d6 for obsession check

Needless to say, running a character with all of these different attributes which change all of the time tests the player’s ability to roll [sic] play to a maximum.

Girls, ya’ll only have 6 different kinds of mood. That’s right, you have been reduced to 6 lines. I especially like the power other players have over the female PC, by requesting a re-roll on the table. That’s right, you’re not even in control of your own emotions, other people are!

But let’s not stop there, let’s go through this entire thing because it seems like a fun thing to do and I totally don’t have other things I really should be doing anyway…

Seduction: More than reaction rolls

This is a simple yet effective way to handle a seduction. It is far more fun than making endless reaction checks and it certainly keeps players on their feet.
The following are the steps for seducing:

When the character first comes in contact with someone he/she wants to seduce, a normal reaction roll is made (see DM’s Guide page 103).

If the reaction of the victim is friendly, then a seduction may take place.

The preliminary moves are made (i.e. role playing) and attribute checks are made.

The seducer makes a Charisma check with modifiers from Table 1. Thevictim makes an Intelligence check (to see if he/she is dumb enough to fall for it) with modifiers from Table 1. If the seducer beats the victim’s roll by 4 or more, he/she is doing well and may continue.

The DM decides how many more checks should be made with suitable pluses or minuses to the attribute rolls (take into account how well the player is role playing). Usually no more than three more successful checks are necessary. Failed checks mean that the victim of the seduction lost interest, but the seducer can try again with the Charisma check halved (its not easy to get back up on that horse after being shot down).

TABLE 1: Attribute Modifiers

Moves Made | Seducer | Victim
Drunkenly | -2 | +2
Sleazy/Raunchy | -1 | +1
Aggressive | +1 | -1
Gentleman/Lady | +2 | -2

So if the “seducer” is a Nice Guy, he/she (let’s be honest here, this was written by guys) gets +2 on his test to see if he succeeds in fooling the victim (their words!) or not. Likewise, it’s easier if your victim is drunk, and you should be aggressive (but still Nice Guy) in your approach.

This is some fedora-wearing shit, I tell you.

There are also sections for “non-weapon proficiencies”, which include stuff like massage, contortion and “sexual endurance” like whoa, how old are you guys, 8? Then something about sexual diseases, which isn’t that interesting (note that the random tables for sexual diseases do not cover prostitutes, for reasons I’ll cover later). Oh, also, poor people are more sexually diseased, and elderly people don’t have sex. They also cover some common STDs, and then move on to Magical Sexual Diseases, and let’s just go through that real quick?

Table 3: Magical Diseases

1. Acidic Secretion
2. Bitchy Magical Syndrome (B.M.S.)
3. Fiery Secretion
4. Mummy Crotch Rot
5. Orgasmatic Flight
6. Orgasmatic Monster Summoning
7. Orgasmatic Polymorph
8. Poison Secretion
9. Sexual Audible Glamer
10. Sexual Chill Touch
11. Sexual Clairvoyance
12. Sexual Invisibility
13. Sexually Transmitted Lycanthrope
14. REROLL

Most of these are self-explanatory. Number 2 (heehee) only affects females (because guys are deep, multi-faceted creatures with more than 6 moods). “Orgasmatic Flight” makes your character into a bouncing ball after reaching orgasm, bouncing off walls and shit like that. 

The next section is insanity, and our lovely Bitchy-themed shit is still going strong, in the aptly named “Bitchamania” (I swear I’m not making this shit up you guys). Guess what? Only affects females.

Next we get to Spells. What can these masters come up with, I wonder?

Delay Orgasm

Oh ffs, I thought ya’ll had some

Know Sexual Preference

actual imagination, but you’re just

Change Sexual Preference

whoa, hold on now. I know it’s magic, but don’t you feel this is just a tiny bit on the strong side?

Power Word: Rut

Whoa, what the fuck I better read this

When this spell is cast, the recipient gains a condition of sexual excitement and productive activity. This reflects in the recipient as a gain a +2 modifier for every three levels of the mage to dexterity with respect to having sex. Thus, this spell won’t effect any other aspects of dexterity; only sex. Also due to his hyper state, the recipient gains a +1 to hit. Furthermore, two points of Intelligence and one point of wisdom is lost; and one point of charisma is gained. These bonuses end when the spell ends.

Only affects males. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I like the touch of dexterity affecting how good you are in bed, because everyone knows that elves are just inherently better at sex than humans.

Voyeur

A spell that lets the mage see through clothing to “examine sexual organs.” Alright.

Kiss of Slavery

A charm person spell in the form of a kiss. I can accept tha

The victim of this spell will obey any order unquestioningly.

This is some rape shit, isn’t it? You guys don’t actually care if the person is willing to have sex with you, do you?

Sex Change

Oh, I’m sure this isn’t going to be horrible at all

The DM must make sure the victim of the spell acts in the manner appropriate to the sex. If not, then the spell doesn’t really seem powerful.

Yup. No binary gender bullshit here.

Kiss of the Nereid

Maybe a bit overpowered, but a kiss that drowns the victim I’ll actually accept (you do get a save).

Magic Items Your Mom Wouldn’t Approve Of

Oh please no

Underwear Of Virginity 

Does it automatically restore someone’s virginity? These guys do know that 

This underwear is very popular among protective fathers. When worn, the underwear cannot be removed without the command word (usually the father’s middle name said backwards). The underwear is normal in respects to touch, but it is impossible to rip or tear. The underwear also magically disposes of body waste before it leaves the body, so there is no mess and absolutely no reason to remove it.

Yeah, because heavens forbid you’d want to take a bath. Eww, that’s just a gross, gross item.

Sword Of Castration

There’s no way this can be bad

This weapon has a +2 bonus to hit and damage. The real power of the sword is when the attacker rolls a non-adjusted 20 on the attack roll. When this occurs, the victim (if male, ignore if female) will lose his most treasured body part. Legend has it that this sword was created by evil (and bitter) Amazon Warriors.

Curse those amazing women. Sounds like you guys could go under the knife, as it were, because I’m not sure I want you to run around with your “most treasured body part” intact.

Personally I value almost every other body part more than I value my dick, but maybe that’s just me.

Wand of Vibration

I’m not even reading this.

Oh look, an entire section on prostitutes. Some short notes, because no way in hell am I commenting on every line of stupidity there:

The major measurement of a man is 1d8+4 inches.

All men are between 5 and 13 inches tall.

Charisma directly correlates to bust, hip and waist sizes, with higher charisma equalling a bigger bust, and slimmer waist. Also, if you have really low charisma, you get really wide hips too.

There is much more, like “inclination” ("does she like Anal Sex, Larry, does she!?"), whether they have STDs or not, etc etc. It’s not very uplifting.

The End

Oh look, a list of contributors.

No female names

Well that came as a complete surprise to nobody.

You can find the guide, if you really want to wade through it on your own, here. Since it’s a .edu address, I think we must unfortunately assume that these guys are not, in fact, 8 years old.

(This was originally posted by me elsewhere, which is why the formatting might be a bit wonky. Tough luck.)

Current plans: Online gaming

(I will ignore the fact that I've not updated this in four months, because I'm that kind of guy. I have been moving and busy with other things, however that isn't really an excuse.)

Aight, so I'm planning a thing for online gaming. I'll write more on it later, but it's going to be interesting to say the least. The idea is that since the group won't be the same members every time, I need to approach it differently than usual, so I'll write it down as I go along. Right now I'm sketching out the starting area and all that jazz, but to begin with, here're Jeff Rients' 20 Questions:

1. What is the deal with my cleric's religion?
2. Where can we go to buy standard equipment?
3. Where can we go to get platemail custom fitted for this monster I just befriended?
4. Who is the mightiest wizard in the land?
5. Who is the greatest warrior in the land?
6. Who is the richest person in the land?
7. Where can we go to get some magical healing?
8. Where can we go to get cures for the following conditions: poison, disease, curse, level drain, lycanthropy, polymorph, alignment change, death, undeath?
9. Is there a magic guild my MU belongs to or that I can join in order to get more spells?
10. Where can I find an alchemist, sage or other expert NPC?
11. Where can I hire mercenaries?
12. Is there any place on the map where swords are illegal, magic is outlawed or any other notable hassles from Johnny Law?
13. Which way to the nearest tavern?
14. What monsters are terrorizing the countryside sufficiently that if I kill them I will become famous?
15. Are there any wars brewing I could go fight?
16. How about gladiatorial arenas complete with hard-won glory and fabulous cash prizes?
17. Are there any secret societies with sinister agendas I could join and/or fight?
18. What is there to eat around here?
19. Any legendary lost treasures I could be looking for?
20. Where is the nearest dragon or other monster with Type H treasure?

1. There will be many different religions available, with two or three major ones in the starting city.
2. Standard equipment is available in most cities -- of which the group only knows their starting one to begin with. Gunpowder weapons will be harder to come by. Laser weapons and beyond nigh impossible.
3. Again, the starting city is your best bet; it's the most civilized, has the largest population.
4. Agrippa the Undying, a woman transported to this place centuries ago. She keeps to herself, and nobody alive knows about her.
5. Grimwulf Fourfingers. A raider, can sometimes be found carousing in a tavern.
6. Ssyth, a lizardfolk woman, runs the largest merchant house on the continent. What she doesn't trade in isn't worth bothering with.
7. Find a cleric. You'll pay outta your ass though, or be indebted to some god or other.
8. There is a "hospital" run by the city of Roanoke, but the technology level isn't very high and some practices are really weird, see those for poison and diseases. Curses might be dealt with by the clergy, lycanthropy you need to find a wise woman who actually knows the cure (Saral, a halfling); polymorph you'll need to dispel, alignment change is permanent, as is death. Undeath can't be cured.
9. No, you gain spells on level up with the Inspiration rule. You must still spend gold for the spell as if you had researched it though.
10. Roanoke.
11. Roanoke.
12. No, although swordfights are heavily fined in Roanoke proper.
13. That way. Most villages have a tavern or some other kind of community gathering place, too.
14. TBD
15. TBD
16. There are unarmed combat competitions held throughout Roanoke, the biggest one is held during the Harvest festival. Basically just slugfests.
17. TBD
18. The standard fare. No potatoes though. Stews. White bread is expensive, as are eggs.
19. Yes, definitely. Have a look around some of the ruins and dungeons littered all over the place.
20. There are no dragons here. Or are there?

Yeah, so I have some stuff to write up obviously. It's gonna be great.